2024: The Year of Walking Away from Expectations and Perfectionism
Something I reflected on that was a prominent theme for me in 2023 were the goals of improvement and optimization. Being inherently ambitious, I find this quality instilled in me to be generally positive. My mother and grandparents were often the adults telling me that I would achieve great things, that I should reach for the stars which was amazing reinforcement I was so lucky to have. Yet this ethos was also used to pressure me when I did not achieve “perfection”, e.g. perfect grades or scores at school. This ambition I cultivated from a mix of nature and nurture, now often collides with a constant need for improvement, evolving into what feels like consistently moving the goalposts each time I achieve something and never feeling enough. While there's nothing wrong with being ambitious and optimizing life, it can quickly transform from optimization to perfectionism and dissatisfaction. It's essential to recognize the fine line between the desire to improve and striving for perfectionism and idealism.
Throughout the second half of 2023, I experienced emotional ups and downs, realizing that setting overly high expectations was part of the reason for some of my lows as it impeded my happiness for experiencing the journey. The equation "happiness = reality – expectations" became particularly resonant for me. Unfortunately, I observed that many people, including myself, were in a race to improve and achieve various goals, leading to over-optimization and a lack of joy due to unrealistic expectations and often a lack of gratitude.
I went through different phases, from setting super high career goals to focusing on improvements around my digestive and skin health. While small improvements were initially gratifying around my health, I found myself continuously raising the bar for how I wanted to feel and look. This perpetual raising of expectations, creating an "I will be happy when..." mindset, which hindered my ability to appreciate the present moment and be grateful for how far I have come. On the career front, I found that each time I reached one of my goals, I quickly moved passed the achievement to focus on the next without even having time to celebrate the success of what once was just a dream.
I had to be reminded that if we become obsessed with a goal it means that we think it will bring us happiness upon achievement. However, while we do get some satisfaction from achieving the goal it does not create happiness, it will give you a fleeting sensation of success which then passes as you move your goal post further.
This constant pursuit of various ambitions in a perfectionist way not only prevented me from experiencing happiness but also introduced more stress into my life. The pressure I put on myself to be perfect, achieve, and optimize created a vicious cycle of performance, leaving me feeling disconnected and uninspired by my daily life. I yearned to return to appreciating each moment and the things I had worked hard to have in my life.
To regain a positive and optimistic perspective on life, I implemented several strategies:
1. Set Realistic Goals:
Most people come up to the task of goal setting with extremely high goals: lose ten pounds in one week, get clear skin in one night, be promoted to managing director in one year. Our personal goals need to be realistic to inspire us. In my professional work, I do not often hear of many start-ups I work with saying I want to build my company to a 1 billion dollar company in one year. Setting a goal like this would instantly deter them as they know its quite unlikely and they would quit before they ever tried to launch the company. My resolution is to establish achievable and realistic goals rather than aiming for perfection. We can do this by breaking up larger tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. Also a key part of the process is celebrating your progress along the way! So every achievement feels important, not just the big things but the small things too!
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts:
Sometimes we don’t even notice but our mind is creating a negative experience for us by having expectations set on something. When we realize our expectations are not being met we get disappointed. I would say it has been extremely important to pay attention to my self-talk and challenge negative or perfectionistic thoughts. Journaling and getting some of these thoughts on paper can help release them from your mind. Try to also replace them with positive affirmations and focus on what you do like about what is happening in your life and the journey you are on. This will undoubtedly invite more positive things into your life.
3. Practice Self-Compassion:
Last year I embarked on a practice to treat myself with more compassion as I often would berate myself or treat myself harshly if I “fell off track” on my goals. Yet I realized that this actually distances me with my body, my intuition and myself as it ultimately means I do not accept myself as I am. Living a perfect, no-mistake life, where you eat healthy 100% of the time, and don’t have awkward or embarrassing presentations at work or with friends is impossible. So I vouched to treat myself with kindness and understanding for all those moments that I had categorized “sub-optimal” and amazing things started happening. My body stopped going into “fight or flight” mode when someone asked me to do something uncomfortable because I knew I would do the best I could and I would be content with myself and my effort no matter what. Acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes, and these do not define my worth was critical.
4. Prioritize Self-Care:
This is my go-to because self-care truly just calms my nervous system and grounds me. For me self-care is just the practices I do to take care of my physical and mental well-being through my routines and habits such as journaling, regular exercise, grounding, sufficient sleep, daily walks, balanced and healthy food choices. Sometimes self-care also means lying on the couch for a few hours watching a movie or a show and eating chocolate but doing it consciously and in full enjoyment (without guilt) for giving my body what it wants. Incorporating self-care routines and well-being practices into your daily habits can help ground you and can positively impact your mindset.
5. Set Time Limits:
When I started publishing articles on my blog I was so obsessed that every word should be perfect that I did not publish some articles for weeks. This meant I was wasting time reading and re-reading things because I was so afraid that there were grammar errors or the sentence could sound better or the content would not come off the way I wanted it to. However, each reader has their own perception of my blog, I can never hold for that variable. So I learned to do my best and let go and just click publish. To avoid spending too much time refining details, set time limits on what you are doing, reread your work once or twice but then move on.
6. Embrace Imperfections:
Recognize that perfection is an unattainable standard. When I was younger I never felt the need to be perfect I was a kid who always fell and had scars on her arms, legs and even face (a rough car accident as a kid) but as I got older my standards towards myself changed. My expectation for physical perfection likely started as a teenager in the modelling business because the expectation was that your physical attributes needed to be near perfect. This negative environment was definitely intertwined with my own low self-esteem and self-worth during that period of my life. While I managed to unpack some of my previous beliefs on physical perfection by working on my self-worth the feeling of striving for perfection did not go away. Similarly, I feel having health goals and desires means you constantly have something you are aiming towards and seeking perfection in. Once you realize that perfection is unattainable you are able to let go and remember to enjoy life a little more. I finally realized it’s possible to just embrace our bodies and our imperfections as opportunities for acceptance and learning (thanks skin journey). Last year was the start of remembering that perfections make life interesting and unique.
7. Focus on the Process, Not Just the Outcome:
Shift your focus from solely fixating on the end result to appreciating the journey and process. If we all knew what tomorrow would bring we would be extremely bored and not motivated to continue to evolve or strive for anything. I wanted to get back to enjoying all of the learning experiences and personal growth that come with each endeavour so I started to focus on the gratitude for the process and reminding myself of how far I have come. The little Russian girl living in Toronto, with big dreams, raised by a single mom, imagining that she could change the world, would be proud of where I am now and that’s what’s important to me.
8. Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking:
Avoid thinking in extremes. This is definitely one of my weak points. I have recognized that there is often a spectrum of outcomes between success and failure and it’s possible to be good at something without being outstanding. Simultaneously, it’s possible to do not great at something and not fail. Embracing the shades of grey between the extremes can alleviate the pressure to be perfect because not everything needs to be a massive success and not every let down is a failure; its ultimately just a learning experience.
9. Seek Feedback and Support:
I used to be afraid to share my stories, my efforts, my goals because I thought that I was too much or that my dreams were too much. But I realized that the right people will always find a way to recognize you and remind you of your strengths and point out things that you did not realize were your strengths. Those are the things that keep you going and allow you to be reminded of your purpose, your ambition and ground you to your inner self. So I urge you to share your goals and progress with others. But also do not take feedback or negative comments personally because only you know what lights you up. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who can provide encouragement and perspective that supports you on your journey.
10. Mindfulness and Meditation:
Practice mindfulness and meditation to stay present in the moment. While this sounds quite generic, the more you engage in doing things without distractions and in presence the more you get joy out of the process which stops you from focusing on solely the outcome. I like to practise this by incorporating walking meditation in my daily routine. It not only allows me to reset my thinking it helps me to reduce anxiety about the future and focus on the present allowing myself to appreciate and enjoy the moment I am in.
By incorporating these strategies, I wanted to walk away from the cycle of perfectionism I was in and rediscover the joy in each moment of my life. Since setting this intention and shifting some of my thoughts and actions I have noticed a difference in my ability to accept and weather various situations that have come up and learned to enjoy simper things rather than focus on only the big achievements. It does not mean that my baseline of striving for success has been eliminated it just means that I am working with my ambitiousness to try and find happiness in the process. If you are going through something similar, the first step is to notice it and reflect on where it’s coming from and then I urge you to give some of these strategies a try as well. We are only as happy as our thoughts allow us to be so relax into the moment and allow yourself to enjoy it wherever you may be.
